Without forgiveness life is governed by an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation – Roberto Assagioli
We've been considering 10 relationship killers or ‘inner enemies’ of a strong marriage relationship. I call them ‘inner’ enemies because they come from deep within us and are products of our thought patterns, our fears, our insecurities, and even our upbringing. I call them ‘relationship killers’ because they strangle our relationships of emotional oxygen and deprive us of the beautiful life we were destined to enjoy.
The third relationship killer is:
The Temptation To Retaliate And Not Forgive
Retaliation is a very human trait. When we’ve been offended, we feel bad and tell ourselves that we would feel better once our offender has been made to feel the pain we felt. The truth, though, is that we often feel worst for retaliating, because it seldom takes away our pain. Instead, it produces more hurt and more reprisal.
But, especially in marriage, retaliation never really mends or heals anything. What heals is forgiveness. What repairs the pain is learning to transform our negative energy into a positive one. What mends the fracture in our relationship is love and kindness. But that only happens when you value and exercise forgiveness.
Forgiveness is the antidote for retaliation. God promises to level the score, if we leave every offence committed against us in His capable hands. That’s what we read in Paul’s Epistle to the Roman Christians. He wrote: Dear friends, never avenge yourself. Leave that to God. For it is written, “I will take vengeance; I will repay those who deserve it,” says the Lord.
I know that it’s not easy to forgive on your own. But if you ask for God’s help, He will empower you to see things in perspective. He will help you see how you also offend your spouse – some times knowingly, and some times unknowingly. He will show you how destructive unresolved anger, unforgiveness and retaliation are to your health and your peace of mind.
God will remind you that you offend Him daily (with things that you should do, but you don’t; and things that you shouldn’t do, but you do). And when you sin against Him, you expect Him to forgive you. Well, God expects you to extend that same grace and forgiveness to your spouse. After all, he or she is only human.
Learn to forgive and release your spouse into the hands of God, and never allow your actions to be controlled by your emotions. Retaliation never accomplishes anything good anyway – only forgiveness does.
Peter said to Him, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.” (Matthew 18:21-22.)
One last word here: If your spouse’s offences are intentional and continuous, or boarding on serious abuse, go and get advice from a marriage counsellor or a respected minister. I don’t think God wants you to suffer in silence; and I don’t think forgiveness should prevent you from seeking help if things are getting out of hand. The crucial thing is that you are not looking to retaliate, because retaliation hurts you as well. And sometimes, it even hurts you the most.
We've been considering 10 relationship killers or ‘inner enemies’ of a strong marriage relationship. I call them ‘inner’ enemies because they come from deep within us and are products of our thought patterns, our fears, our insecurities, and even our upbringing. I call them ‘relationship killers’ because they strangle our relationships of emotional oxygen and deprive us of the beautiful life we were destined to enjoy.
The third relationship killer is:
The Temptation To Retaliate And Not Forgive
Retaliation is a very human trait. When we’ve been offended, we feel bad and tell ourselves that we would feel better once our offender has been made to feel the pain we felt. The truth, though, is that we often feel worst for retaliating, because it seldom takes away our pain. Instead, it produces more hurt and more reprisal.
But, especially in marriage, retaliation never really mends or heals anything. What heals is forgiveness. What repairs the pain is learning to transform our negative energy into a positive one. What mends the fracture in our relationship is love and kindness. But that only happens when you value and exercise forgiveness.
Forgiveness is the antidote for retaliation. God promises to level the score, if we leave every offence committed against us in His capable hands. That’s what we read in Paul’s Epistle to the Roman Christians. He wrote: Dear friends, never avenge yourself. Leave that to God. For it is written, “I will take vengeance; I will repay those who deserve it,” says the Lord.
I know that it’s not easy to forgive on your own. But if you ask for God’s help, He will empower you to see things in perspective. He will help you see how you also offend your spouse – some times knowingly, and some times unknowingly. He will show you how destructive unresolved anger, unforgiveness and retaliation are to your health and your peace of mind.
God will remind you that you offend Him daily (with things that you should do, but you don’t; and things that you shouldn’t do, but you do). And when you sin against Him, you expect Him to forgive you. Well, God expects you to extend that same grace and forgiveness to your spouse. After all, he or she is only human.
Learn to forgive and release your spouse into the hands of God, and never allow your actions to be controlled by your emotions. Retaliation never accomplishes anything good anyway – only forgiveness does.
Peter said to Him, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.” (Matthew 18:21-22.)
One last word here: If your spouse’s offences are intentional and continuous, or boarding on serious abuse, go and get advice from a marriage counsellor or a respected minister. I don’t think God wants you to suffer in silence; and I don’t think forgiveness should prevent you from seeking help if things are getting out of hand. The crucial thing is that you are not looking to retaliate, because retaliation hurts you as well. And sometimes, it even hurts you the most.
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The forth relationship killer is:
The Urge To Criticise Far More Than You Encourage
Nobody wants to be criticised, belittled or attacked all the time. Yet we thoughtlessly do it to the people we say we love the most. It is wise to remember that everyone has something going on in their life for which they can be praised or encouraged. In fact, encouragement is what helps us grow and improve. Constant criticism only makes us want to give up, as we feel there is nothing we can do to appease our critic.
I’m sure you know the feeling. You do your best, you burst your guts, but your best is not good enough for Mr or Mrs 'Can Never Be Satisfied'. My point is that your spouse needs to hear your encouraging words more than your critical and negative ones. I am not for a minute suggesting that you should always ignore or overlook issues that need to be dealt with, but that you should realise the damage that constant rebuke, criticism and condemnation is having on your relationship.
One choice word of encouragement will do more good than a thousand cruel words of criticism ― Tony Peters.
If you have a complaint that you need to bring to your spouse, by all means address it. But understand that a complaint carefully addresses the issue, while criticism carelessly blames the person. Resist the temptation to start criticising your spouse when you are trying to bring his/her attention to a complaint. Resist the urge to dish out negative and critical comments every time you are not happy with something; because the spirit behind this attitude is often worst than the thing that you are trying to correct.
I feel I need to repeat what I’ve just stated. The ugly judgmental spirit behind negative criticism is often worst than the thing that you are trying to correct. In other words, you can’t change a negative situation with a negative spirit or attitude. Even when your spouse is doing something you don’t like, you don’t have to verbalise it in a critical way again and again. If you’ve said it a couple of times before, your spouse already knows how you feel about the issue.
The trick is to give your spouse time to come to the conclusion you’ve come to and want the change too. That’s because nobody changes before they want to change. That's also why patience is crucial. Self-leadership always works better than trying to get your spouse to do something he/she is not emotionally committed to yet.
If, in the mean time, you would spend your energy in praising and encouraging your spouse for the things he/she gets right, two things will happen in your marriage before long:
1. You’d start to see less of the things that used to bug you so much about your spouse. Why? Because your attention and energy are now positively focused.
2. Your spouse would start to put more effort into doing the things that attract your approval. Why? Because your spouse (like the rest of us) values the praise and encouragement she/he gets from loved ones.
Do you find yourself constantly criticising and disapproving of your spouse’s behaviour or choices? If you do, you must take steps to stop it, because it is a marriage killer. Criticising your spouse will stifle communication; it will smother openness; it will provoke bitterness; and it will breed destructive conflict.
In the end, a rock solid marriage can only be built on a rock solid foundation of acceptance, encouragement and positive affirmations.
One choice word of encouragement will do more good than a thousand cruel words of criticism ― Tony Peters.
Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. (Ephesians 4:29.)
“So then, let us aim for peace and harmony… and try to build each other up.”
(Romans 14:19.)
(Watch out for Part 3 next week.)
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