Extracts from the Parenting Book titled Equip Your Child For Life by Rev. Tony Peters.

Oh, give thanks to the Lord, for He is good! And His mercy endures forever.
 (Psalm 136:1.)

These days many of our children are growing up with an ‘entitlement mentality’. That is because everything gets given to them by parents who are trying to compensate for their regular absence or their minimal parenting.

Kids who are hardly out of Kindergarten want iPhones, iPads, Galaxies, X-boxes and a host of other gadgets and luxury items that cost an arm and a leg. But giving our children all the expensive stuff they want is not only fuelling an ‘entitlement mentality’, but it demotivates them.

Realising this, we taught our children to contribute something to whatever they wanted that was not a necessity. We figured out that if they saved for something they wanted, they would want fewer things, and are more likely to appreciate them when they get them.
It worked! Our children not only picked up the illusive habit of saving, but learnt to ‘cut their coat according to the cloth they had’. They picked up so many other life skills and virtues that frankly set them on a path to living successfully.

For instance:

• They learnt to appreciate money.
• They learnt not to be wasteful.
• They learnt to be self-sufficient.
• They learnt to be prudent and frugal.
• They learnt to stretch their resources.
• They learnt to be creative and industrious.
• They learnt not to throw away perfectly usable things.
• They learnt to wait patiently till they could afford the things they wanted.
• They learnt to stay out of debt when many of their mates were falling helplessly into the credit trap.

Extracts from the Parenting Book titled Seven Tools Your Children Should Not Leave Home Without by Rev. Tony Peters.

You can make many plans, but the Lord’s purpose will prevail… (Proverbs 19:21.)
 
Don’t let your children leave home without helping them to understand what God put them on this earth for. Don’t assume that your children know why they are here. Quiz them about it. Call a family meeting if need be, but get your children talking about their reason for being alive on planet earth.
Our children may think their purpose on earth is to become a footballer, a singer, a dancer, solicitor, an engineer or athlete, or even a bus driver. But as parents, one of our jobs is to help them see the bigger picture. There is nothing wrong with a career or a dream job, but that is not enough to satisfy the human soul.
We are to help our children develop a sense of purpose that is bigger than their pet attractions, their future fantasies, or even their dream careers. We must help them define what is important in life and help them do everything they can to accomplish it.

Give them a Bigger Vision
For instance, in our household over 15 years ago, my wife and I sat down with our children before they hit their teenage years and spelt out (in language they could understand) what our purpose as a family was going to be for the foreseeable future. 
Since I was being led to plant a new Church in our Community, we agreed that our united family purpose was to worship and serve our God faithfully, and to the best of our abilities, help people to serve and worship Him too. I triedto help them to see how pleased God would be with our family and how much He would bless us individually and as a family, if we did what He was asking us to do.
I remember trying to paint a picture of the value of transformed lives to them. At that time, we didn’t know who else would be joining us to start this new Church-plant, so I shared with my children how I would love them to help their mum and I with this new Church plant.
My son, who was 12 at the time, agreed to help with the music if I bought a keyboard that he could learn to play. My daughter, who was 9, agreed to help with the children who come to visit. And, my wife agreed to do anything that needed doing.
That one discussion was all it took to place an enduring sense of purpose in my children. I am still blown away to see how they were animated to serve the Church joyfully and to give of their time, talents and treasures sacrificially.
Today, when I look at the impact our children have made in our Church, I am so grateful that God led my wife and I to give them a bigger sense of purpose when they were still fairly young. 
The history of our Church cannot be written without an impressive list of the contributions our children have made to get the Church to where it is today. All because our children caught hold of an enduring sense of purpose at an early age!

Give them something to Live for
You toowillhave to find something that can give your children a reason to love life and serve people. If not, they may choose a corrupt or ignoble purpose, or even despair of life itself. 
Why? Because life abhors a vacuum!
When young people don’t have a burning sense of purpose,they get fidgety and restless,andthe devil finds work for them. All you need to do is to look at the number of young people committing suicide in our society; or the number of young people in juvenile detention, to realise how devastating a lack of purpose can be for young people.

What to teach them

• Teach your children that they are here to glorify God with their lives. 
• Teach them that their Creator put them here to help make a difference. 
• Take them to charity events or food kitchens that need help and show them how to help. 
• Challenge them to make their lives count on earth – to be kind, compassionate, generous, respectful, humble, creative and fair to all.
• Expose them to ordinary people who have done extraordinary things, to humble people who served humanity, and to people who are still making an impact in the world. 
• Show them how to give. Show them how to serve. Teach them how to sacrifice certain things for people who don’t have as much as they do. Teach them not just to think of themselves, but to think more of others too. 

That’s what it is going to take to help your children develop a strong sense of purpose.

Children with a strong sense of purpose:
•  Are happier and more fulfilled.
•  Are more focused and responsible.
•  Are less distracted and more productive.
•  Avoid time wasters and dream killers.
•  Behave better and achieve more... because they’re doing what they are gifted to do and love it. 

Helping your children to develop their own sense of purpose is never easy. They may even think that you are trying to control their lives. All you can do is continue to assure them that you have their best interest at heart – and as they get older they will come to appreciate your reasons for taking them on this journey.
Remind them often that you only want what is best for them and what God wants for them. Stay prayerful through the process, so that God can show you what to do and what not to do. Keep praying to hear His voice deep down in your heart, guiding your decisions and your discussions with your children.
Keep reading books, attending workshops or listening to other experienced parents whose wisdom might come in handy. God will see your heart andyourdesire to give your children the best upbringing possible, and He will help you. 

Come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most. (Hebrews 4:16.)
​
Don’t let your children leave home without a clear and godly sense of purpose. It will helpthem to be more focused and productive through the ups and downs of life. It will also make help them choose a more intentional and responsible path.
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​Click this link to get a copy of this inspirational book.

We've been taking a look at Ten relationship killers or ‘inner enemies’ of a strong marriage relationship. I call them ‘inner’ enemies because they come from deep within us and are products of our thought patterns, our fears, our insecurities, and even our upbringing. I call them ‘relationship killers’ because they strangle our relationships of emotional oxygen and deprive us of the beautiful life we were destined to enjoy.
​
The fifth relationship killer is:​
 
The Temptation to Shame and Insult your Spouse
 
Many of us grew up in an era when shaming and insulting were deployed as corrective tools. When I was growing up, it was foolishly believed that if you shamed or insulted someone enough they would be motivated to change their ways. But the results didn’t prove this belief to be true.
 
For instance, the teachers we had – back when I was in primary school – would publicly call out our marks and grades for the whole class to hear. One teacher would say something like: “If you don’t want everyone to think that you are a ‘lazy bum’; you better work harder the next time I give you an assignment”.
 
What she didn’t know then was that being a ‘lazy bum’ was actually a badge of honour for some of the students. The ‘shaming thing’ not only didn’t work for many of us, but it had the very opposite effect on some kids, because it made them popular amongst their peers. It gave them the attention they badly needed.

Shaming Produces Resentment and Anger
 
Insulting or shaming your spouse never works in a marriage either. It produces resentment, anger and a desire for revenge. Insulting and shaming is disrespectful and antagonistic. It is never motivates a person to change, except to become more negative and hateful towards you.
 
Let’s say you are having an argument with your spouse and you decide to remind him that he comes from a broken home or is behaving like his atrocious father. Do you think he would put his hands up in surrender and thank you for being so perceptive and right? No, no, no!
 
You have just shamed and insulted him, even if what you said was true. Nine out of ten times, he will fight back. Why? Because insults bring out the worst in us. Insults offend and hurt us deeply. They shame us profoundly. Insults take a swipe at our identity and our self-worth. And, if that was not enough, insults make us feel severely demeaned, debased and devalued.

Cheap Shots Cheapen Your Relationship
 
Don’t call your spouse names. Don’t compare him/her to some ugly dysfunctional person. Don’t insult his family, or abuse her siblings. Don’t take a cheap swing at your partner’s physical features; and don’t swear at him/her either.
 
In the final analysis, whatever you see in your partner is a reflection on you, because you chose him/her to be your partner – warts, bumps and all. That’s why you must never go down that path. It will damage your marriage in unimaginable ways.
 
If you have done so in the past, I appeal to you to repent, ask for your spouse’s forgiveness and never do it again. I don’t care how upset or angry you are, never insult or shame your spouse. Here are some reasons.

• Your spouse has feelings, just like you do
• Your spouse is not perfect, neither are you
• Your spouse is God’s property, not yours
• Your spouse will not be motivated to change, but to fight back.
• Your spouse is the Apple of God’s Eye – Watch where you’re poking.

 
Don’t insult or shame your partner privately, and never ever do it publicly either!
 
Let no corrupt speech proceed out of your mouth, but such as is good for building up as the need may be, that it may give grace to those who hear. Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, outcry, and slander, be put away from you, with all malice.  (Ephesians 4:29,31.)

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                              Too get any of my books click on them below.

Without forgiveness life is governed by an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation – Roberto Assagioli

We've been considering 10 relationship killers or ‘inner enemies’ of a strong marriage relationship. I call them ‘inner’ enemies because they come from deep within us and are products of our thought patterns, our fears, our insecurities, and even our upbringing. I call them ‘relationship killers’ because they strangle our relationships of emotional oxygen and deprive us of the beautiful life we were destined to enjoy. 

The third relationship killer is:​

The Temptation To Retaliate And Not Forgive

Retaliation is a very human trait. When we’ve been offended, we feel bad and tell ourselves that we would feel better once our offender has been made to feel the pain we felt. The truth, though, is that we often feel worst for retaliating, because it seldom takes away our pain. Instead, it produces more hurt and more reprisal.

But, especially in marriage, retaliation never really mends or heals anything. What heals is forgiveness. What repairs the pain is learning to transform our negative energy into a positive one. What mends the fracture in our relationship is love and kindness. But that only happens when you value and exercise forgiveness.

Forgiveness is the antidote for retaliation. God promises to level the score, if we leave every offence committed against us in His capable hands. That’s what we read in Paul’s Epistle to the Roman Christians. He wrote: Dear friends, never avenge yourself. Leave that to God. For it is written, “I will take vengeance; I will repay those who deserve it,” says the Lord.

I know that it’s not easy to forgive on your own. But if you ask for God’s help, He will empower you to see things in perspective. He will help you see how you also offend your spouse – some times knowingly, and some times unknowingly. He will show you how destructive unresolved anger, unforgiveness and retaliation are to your health and your peace of mind.

God will remind you that you offend Him daily (with things that you should do, but you don’t; and things that you shouldn’t do, but you do). And when you sin against Him, you expect Him to forgive you. Well, God expects you to extend that same grace and forgiveness to your spouse. After all, he or she is only human.

Learn to forgive and release your spouse into the hands of God, and never allow your actions to be controlled by your emotions. Retaliation never accomplishes anything good anyway – only forgiveness does.

Peter said to Him, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.”  (Matthew 18:21-22.)

One last word here: If your spouse’s offences are intentional and continuous, or boarding on serious abuse, go and get advice from a marriage counsellor or a respected minister. I don’t think God wants you to suffer in silence; and I don’t think forgiveness should prevent you from seeking help if things are getting out of hand. The crucial thing is that you are not looking to retaliate, because retaliation hurts you as well. And sometimes, it even hurts you the most.

“Do your part to live in peace with everyone, as much as possible.” (Romans 12:18.)

As you embark on the journey to build a great marriage or relationship, you must be careful not to tear down (with your own hands, so to speak) what you are trying to build.

It is one thing to protect your marriage from outside forces, over which you have little control; but it is quite another thing to protect your marriage from ‘inward’ mindsets, attitude and behaviour, over which you do have substantial control.

Over the next 5 weeks, I want to highlight ten relationship killers or ‘inner enemies’ of a strong marriage relationship. I call them ‘inner’ enemies because they come from deep within us and are products of our thought patterns, our fears, our values, our insecurities, and even our upbringing. I call them ‘relationship killers’ because they strangle our relationships of emotional oxygen and deprive us of the beautiful life we were destined to enjoy. 

The first relationship killer is:

The Urge To Control Or Change Your Spouse

Human beings were never created to be controlled. We were created to rule, govern and display dominion over the works of God’s Hands. We were put on this earth to grow. That’s why two-year-old kids start to rebel against all forms of control, as soon as they start thinking for themselves. As we grow older, we get even more spiteful and aggressive towards any hints of domination. Again, that’s why controlling relationships are never healthy.

God intentionally created us to be different and to prefer different things, so that when we come together in marriage, there would be variety. God designed us to function like the ivory and ebony keys on a grand piano. The keys are very different in colour and tune, but together they produce angelic music at the hands of a Master Pianist.

Therefore, one way to grow a great relationship with someone very different from you is to get excited about their uniqueness (who they are and what they like) and decide to be happy for them and for the variety they bring to the relationship.

For instance, my wife loves romantic and tender family friendly films. I like action-packed, car-chasing, building-exploding, machine-gun blasting blockbusters. Happily, I learnt early in my marriage that I was not going to change my wife’s film preference and she was not going to change mine.

So, instead of trying to change each other or allowing our difference to separate us, we learnt to be selfless. I learnt to enjoy (what I called) ‘girly’ films with my wife – so that we could be together; and she learnt to share in my adrenalin producing movies.

Changing what you do is the key to changing what others do; since they often take their cue from you ― The Eagle Prince.

Controlling your spouse or trying to force him/her to do what you want is demeaning and humiliating. Your spouse may put up with it for a while to keep the peace, but lasting joy and satisfaction will evaporate under the scotching heat of ‘control’.

Kill the urge to change or control your spouse before it kills your marriage. Except your spouse is doing something morally wrong or abusive to you, you have no right to try to change him/her. Just because something is different doesn’t make it wrong.

Your relationship will blossom and flourish when your goal is to please and pleasure your partner. But to do that you must understand that being controlling is always counter-productive; and being selfless is always better. 

When you change what you do, your spouse will have no choice but to change what he/she does. That's what I call the law of reciprocals.

“Do nothing from selfishness or pride, but in humility count others better than yourself.  (Philippians 2:3.)

An ordinary journey becomes extraordinary, when it is taken with the right person ― Tony Peters.

The second relationship killer is:

The Need To Be Right, At Any Cost
 
Your marriage will be toxic if you are always out to win the argument or be ‘right’. That’s because you will continue to bruise your partner’s ego by insisting that he/she is always wrong. After all, if you are always ‘right’, your spouse, of necessity, must always be wrong.

If you keep doing this, what your spouse is constantly hearing is: “You are dumb”, “You are unintelligent”, “You are thick”, and “We are not in the same league”. Even if you are actually wiser or more intelligent, you must go out of your way to help your spouse see that he/she is not totally clueless or without a brain. Anything less is prideful and deadly to the marriage.

“Pride ends in humiliation, while humility brings honour.”  (Proverbs 29:23.)

In fact, if you really love your spouse, you would be looking for ways to elevate him/her, because your spouse, in the final analysis, is a reflection on you. Yes, your spouse is a reflection on you. After all, you chose, courted, and married this ‘dumb’ person.

If you keep projecting stupidity onto your spouse, you must be ‘stupid’ too for marrying him/her. Were you blind? Were you gagged? Did someone hold a gun to your head? I don’t think so. My point is that your spouse is not what you are making him/her out to be.

Give your spouse’s ideas a chance to succeed. Give him/her credit for some of the things they bring to the table. Don’t sabotage good ideas to score points. Don’t shut your spouse up because you are not in agreement with his/her ideas or because you feel yours are better. Don’t shut your spouse down because you always want to be ‘right’.

Learn to be charitable enough to boost your spouse’s confidence; by adopting his/her ideas and making them work. You can’t do this if you are always right, or if you take all the decisions, or if you always insist on doing things your way.

If your reason is right but your attitude or actions are wrong, your reason doesn’t count any more ― Tony Peters

Which is better: To be ‘right’ and miserable or to share in decision-making and be united? An unhappy marriage and an insecure spouse is too great a price to pay for being ‘right’. If being ‘right’ is really right, it should lead to good things. If it’s not, it’s not really right.

So, kill the need to be right at any cost and you’d be surprised at how right your spouse can be, if you put the effort you put into being ‘right’, into making sure that your spouse is secure and right too. If you understand the marriage vows you took, you will understand that it is your duty to build your spouse up, not to tear him/her down.

(To understand your marriage vows better, you may want to read another one of my Rock Solid Marriage Series books on Smashword.com or Amazon.com titled: Understand Your Marriage Vows – What the Marriage Vows Mean and How to Honour Them.

Bottom line: The need to be ‘right’ at any cost is the Achilles heel of proud people. And, we know that pride comes before a fall...   (Watch out for Part 2 next week.)

I’d like to share this article that I found on the Today’s Christian Women website with you. It was written by Dr Juli Slattery, who is a regular contributor and blogger to the website. She is also a widely known clinical psychologist, author, speaker, and broadcast media professional.

In this sensitively written article, she deals with 3 crucial questions husbands and wives need to ask themselves before heading to the bedroom. Here is what she writes:

Since I speak and write books on sex, I get asked questions—a lot of questions. The most common questions relate to "what's okay in the bedroom?" Questions like: Is oral sex okay? What about anal sex? Is it wrong to role-play with my husband? Is it okay that my husband likes to spank me? Do you think sex toys are wrong? What's wrong with a married couple watching porn together? Is masturbation okay?

Before we even get into discussing whether something is right or wrong in the bedroom, I want to emphasize that God's desire is for you and your husband to experience great pleasure! His standards are not to limit your enjoyment, but to heighten it. I think many Christian couples have no idea what freedom they have in the bedroom. They settle for "vanilla" sex (aka, the missionary position), placing self-imposed restrictions on themselves that have nothing to do with God's perspective. God made the marriage relationship a safe place for a husband and wife to explore, experiment, laugh, and get lost in sensational sex.

There is nothing spiritual or moral about limiting sexual pleasure in marriage. God is the greatest proponent of your pleasure—not the pleasure that is sweet for a season, but the deep, profound satisfaction that only grows sweeter with time. Once you understand what God has said "no" to, you are free to have a great time exploring all he has given you to enjoy.

As with all areas of life, God's instructions on sex can be found in the Bible. The Bible talks about sex a lot, but often the answers to sexual questions aren't found in a chapter or verse—for example, you won't find any references to vibrators. But using the Bible as a reference guide for decisions will make you wise in discerning good from evil (Hebrews 5:14) even when something seems like a grey area. Here are three questions that can help you discern whether certain sexual acts are right or wrong:

Question #1 – What does God clearly say no to?
There are some things the Bible is very clear about, particularly related to sex. Some women get confused about whether what God said "no" to in the Old Testament still applies in our day. For example, women wonder if it's okay to have sex during their period since the Old Testament law said not to. The Old Testament emphasized being ceremonially pure as a physical way of distinguishing God's people from the rest of the world, but since Jesus paid the sacrifice for our sin, being ceremonially clean isn't an issue anymore. However, all of God's people are still called to be morally pure, and sexuality is a big piece of moral purity.

Moral purity means that sexual expression is reserved for the covenant of marriage between a husband and wife. God says "no" to certain violations and perversions of this.

Here is a summary of what God prohibits sexually:

• Fornication: which means having sex outside of marriage (1 Corinthians 7:2, 1 Thessalonians 4:3)

• Adultery: having sex with someone who is not your spouse. Jesus expanded adultery to mean not just physical acts, but emotional acts in the mind and heart (Matthew 5:28)

• Homosexuality: The Bible is very clear that for a man to have sex with a man or a woman to have sex with a woman is wrong in God's eyes (Romans 1:27, 1 Corinthians 6:9)

• Lustful Passions: First, let me tell you what this does NOT mean. Lustful passion does not refer to the powerful, God-given sexual desire for each other enjoyed by a married man and woman. Instead, it refers to an unrestrained, indiscriminate sexual desire for men or women other than the person's marriage partner (Mark 7:21 – 22,Ephesians 4:19)

• Coarse Joking: In Ephesians 4:29, Paul says, "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths." We have all been around people who can see a sexual connotation in some innocent phrase, then begin to snicker or laugh. This is wrong. However, this does not rule out sexual humour in the privacy of marriage, but rather inappropriate sexual comments in a public setting.

What God says "no" to probably didn't surprise you, but his standards are also not very "PC." If you believe that God, the creator of your sexuality, has your best interest in mind, you will understand that these boundaries are to protect you.

Question #2 – How do you keep sex just between you and your husband?
God said "no" to having sex outside of marriage and having sex with someone you're not married to, so why do we even ask this question? Because many people fudge on it.
Reserving sex, sexual fantasies, and sexual expression only for your husband means more than just what you do physically, but what you look at and what you think about. This is what Jesus said:You have heard that it was said, "Do not commit adultery." But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. Matthew 5:27-28.

This includes fantasy, pornography, online relationships, and erotica. This seems like a pretty strict standard. Jesus goes on to advise us on how to deal with temptation:
If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. Matthew 5:29.

His message is clear: get rid of whatever causes you to sin in your heart! If it is a portal for temptation, get rid of the iPhone, satellite TV, or your Facebook account. Cut off the relationship that is tempting you. If you really want to know what God says, take his warning seriously. Throw out the mommy porn. Stop flirting with anything that causes you to think, lust, or fantasize about someone other than your spouse.

Question #3 – Will this sexual activity be good for both of us?
This is where things get fuzzy. We don't see anywhere in the Bible where God clearly says "no" to things like sex toys, masturbation, or oral sex. In fact, you'll find very different opinions from Christian leaders on all these topics. The Corinthian church had questions about grey areas too. Instead of telling them exactly what to do, Paul gave them guidelines of how to use good judgment when the Bible doesn't clearly state something as right or wrong.

Everything is permissible for me—but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible for me—but I will not be mastered by anything. 1 Corinthians 6:12
A few chapters later, Paul seems to repeat himself: Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible—but not everything is constructive. Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others. 1 Corinthians 10:23-24.

Here's what you can take from these passages. There are many things in life that you are free to do and enjoy. When you are not sure whether something is okay, put it through Paul's filter:

• Is this beneficial? Is it good for me? For my husband? Is it good for our marriage?

• Does it master me? Can it be habit-forming or addictive?

• Is it constructive? Does it help me grow and mature? Does it build our marriage?

• Is it loving? Does this action show love towards my husband or is it selfish?

This may mean that for some couples, a sexual act will be fine, and for another couple, the same act isn't right for them. An example of this is oral sex. Some couples feel great freedom to include this in their lovemaking. For other couples, oral sex is a trigger for memories of sexual abuse or pornographic images. The same act can be loving for one couple and harmful for another.

Do you wish God had given you a list of sexual acts with a clear "yes" or "no" by each one? It sure would make things a lot easier. But God, in his wisdom, has left some things open for a husband and wife to talk and pray through. Ultimately, you have to seek his wisdom for your own marriage. If you and your husband disagree on a "grey area," you will have to listen and learn to love each other through the decision.

After all, sex is a lot more than just sharing your body—it's a journey of intimacy. Figuring out boundaries together gives you great opportunities to seek the Lord's wisdom, and to learn how to love each other more deeply.

​I feel compelled to share this article by Carol Loewen with you. It has blessed and challenged me greatly, and I hope it will do the same for you. God is indeed a God of second chances. So, cease the second chances He will give you this year, so as not to live with regret.
 
The God of Second Chances – By Carol Nicolet Loewen

My first marriage ended with the unexpected death of my husband, Jerry. After his death, I didn't even think about remarriage. I wasn't afraid of being alone. After all, I didn't say "I do" to Jerry until I was 36 years old, when I was well established in my career as a human resources manager.
Delighted as I was to share life with Jerry, my inner drive often found me focused on work more than on quality time with him. Oh, I honored and adored him. But had I known earlier that Jerry would die prematurely, surely I would have made different choices earlier in our marriage.
After Jerry was diagnosed with a terminal illness, I took those second chances. I reset my priorities, cut back on work hours, and "loved on" Jerry. I regularly took time off work to participate in transplant support group meetings with this man I loved.
Often, we sat together quietly on our couch at home, and while I massaged his feet, Jerry leaned back, relaxed, and talked about his hopes and fears in this new challenge.
Then arms around each other, tears flowed as we listened to the melodic harmonies and uplifting words of a favorite male quartet as they sang about hope and faith and peace.
 
"When peace, like a river, attendedeth my way,
"When sorrows like sea billows roll;
"Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
"It is well, it is well, with my soul."
 
Life Isn't Over Yet
I worried less about having a clean house. I delegated more work assignments. I stopped responding to e-mails 'til the wee hours. I cared less about what others thought (my boss, colleagues, friends) and focused on ensuring Jerry knew how much I respected and loved him. I thanked him more—for loving me well, for wise decisions he made, and for making me laugh.
Once I told him I couldn't stand the thought of one of us being without the other, so I asked the Lord to take us home together.
"You're not driving any more," was his instant response.
Once he was hospitalized, I spent most of every day with Jerry for the next five months-holding his hand, talking, praying, and just being there. I'm grateful that I began taking my second chances before my sweetheart passed away in my arms.
After Jerry died, God spoke to me through Jeremiah 29:11: "For I know the plans I have for you … plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." God had given us 20 wonderful years together and I knew his plan for me wasn't finished yet. As I struggled to redefine myself as a newly single woman, I mentally kept God's promise before me.
 
Resetting My Priorities
Two years after Jerry's death, I met Don. We became easy friends, then one evening, he placed his hand on my shoulder and said, "Is there a chance for a relationship between us down the road?"
His vibrant blue eyes searched mine.
I was momentarily taken aback. Was I willing to get married again? Was it possible that God had placed Don in my life for a second chance at love and intimate companionship?
I decided to take the risk and see where it would lead me.
That "chance for a relationship" Don asked about grew. And over time, he and I became sweethearts. Then four years after Jerry's passing, Don became my husband.
Once again, God was giving me a second chance: Would I live out the lessons I learned through Jerry's illness and death, or wait for another loss to reset my priorities?
I chose to reset my priorities. I care more now about my commitment to Don than my house or work, and I try to make choices accordingly.
 
Making Choices
Second chances aren't limited to the widowed or divorced. We all have second chances daily, with spouses, children, parents, and extended family—and yes, even bosses and colleagues.
Lamentations 3:22-23 states that, "Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness" (NIV).
Each morning is an opportunity to assess what I'd like to do differently or better from yesterday. Every day, I can confess where I fell short and start new, with another chance—because of God's faithfulness.
Will I sit on the couch responding to Facebook in the evening, or will I put aside my laptop and cuddle with my hubby while we watch TV together? Will I think about my list of to-dos or put on my walking shoes and take Don's hand while we walk and discuss our day?
Will I take a few moments to relax into the goose bumps I feel, letting Don know his touch is welcome when he sneaks up behind me and plants sweet kisses on my neck? Or will I pull away from his caress to finish whatever important chore I'm in the midst of doing?
Will I consistently look for ways to affirm my husband, letting him know how much I love him and appreciate all he does for me and for others? And will I speak the truth in love when I suggest an idea or plan, or even a change?
 
No Regrets
Lee Iacocca once said, "No matter what you've done for yourself or for humanity, if you can't look back on having given love and attention to your own family, what have you really accomplished?"
I can make Don's life more difficult by repeatedly complaining about the little challenges in our life—or I can make it easier by praying for him and supporting him in making wise decisions.
When we come to the Father before falling into a deep and renewing sleep, Don and I commit our day, our cares, and our families to God.
Speaking to God together has deepened our love as we each hear the other's heart. I listen to Don's burdens and understand more clearly what he needs from me. And he does the same with me.
One bright Friday morning, Don was heading to Hospice to visit a terminally ill friend.
"Do you want me to go along?" I asked.
"It's up to you, honey," Don responded.
My inclination was to stay home, curled up on a couch with my laptop or a good book until Don returned home. I could set all that aside and spend time with my husband and our friend. I sensed that Don wanted me with him. I had a second chance—and a choice. I chose to spend that time with Don.
My God is historically a God of second chances. Rahab was given a second chance at life because she hid the Israelite spies. To the woman caught in adultery Jesus said, "Neither do I condemn you. Go now and leave your life of sin" (John 8:11, NIV). King David, doubting Thomas, the apostle Paul, all are examples of individuals to whom God gave a second chance.
I can wait for a tragedy to realign my priorities again, or I can consider now what I might regret if my mate were suddenly taken from me. Will I lament spending time with him, despite what didn't get done? No. God has planned this time for Don and me to share. I will ask the God of second chances to remind me to look into Don's vibrant blue eyes often and long.
I don't want to look back at the end of our lives and wish I'd made different choices. I thank God for second chances. I will choose to live in such a way that, as much as possible, leads to no regrets.
 
NB. I don’t remember where I copied the original article from a several years ago, but I want to thank Carol Nicolet Loewen for writing it and for allowing it to be republished on a number of relationship websites.

7. Admit It When You Make Mistakes.

Every child knows that there are three things they can do when confronted about their attitude or behaviour. They can try to deny it; they can blame something or someone else; or they can admit to it.

Denying something that is clearly your fault doesn’t get you anywhere in marriage, because it doesn’t resolve the issue. Blaming your spouse or somebody else is even more damaging, because it offloads your responsibility unfairly onto your partner. So the only sensible thing to do when you’ve blown it is to admit your failure and ask for forgiveness.

“If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. 15 But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.  (Matthew 6:14-15.) NLT.

Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.  (James 5:16.) NLT.

Of course that begs two questions:

i.)     Will I do what I can to correct the situation?

ii.)   Will the forgiveness being offered be genuine?

Question one is important because just admitting to something over and over again, but not doing anything to correct it is very frustrating for your partner. Even if he/she wants to forgive and move on they can’t, because they know it’s going to happen again.

It’s like continually peeling the scab off an old wound; it just never heals. So you must make sure that you are doing more that just admitting to things. You must be growing, maturing, changing and correcting things that are unhealthy in your relationship.

Question two is also important because it can hinder your spouse from freely admitting their fault (or failure) to you – if they think you would hold it against them for life. Or if they think that you would use the information they give you as a weapon of shame.

Consequently, it is crucial that when you say, “I forgive you”, you really mean it. You wipe the slate clean and you see any new offence as a new offence, not a continuation of old offences. Learn to offer genuine forgiveness whenever your spouse asks to be forgiven.

Forgiveness is such an important part of marriage because it keeps communication flowing in both directions. It reminds us of our humanity. It qualifies us to ask for God’s forgiveness too. And, it shows that we are growing and maturing relationally and spiritually.

If you and your spouse would endeavour to follow these guidelines, you would be healthier emotionally, physically and even spiritually. Everything will be out in the open and there would be no need to allow offences to fester in the dark recesses of your mind or your heart.

Forgiveness does not change the past, but it enlarges the future  – Paul Boese.

8. Look for Ways to Build Up Your Spouse Verbally.

We’ve already seen that the words we speak to each other are important. Understand that words are like containers. We use them to convey ideas, thought and requests. But words do much more than that: they impact life-changing values, virtues, graces, gifts and abilities that can’t always be quantified.

The Bible goes even further to tell us that the powers to give life and extinguish it are invested in our words. The tongue can bring death or life; and those who love to talk will reap the consequences.  (Proverbs 18:21.)

Just imagine that for a moment: You can decree death to a person or situation; or you can breathe life to that person or situation. I’ll say it again because the implication of this truth is huge. You can decree ‘death’ to a person or situation; or you can breathe ‘life’ to that person or situation.

That being the case, it should be obvious that you are meant to use your words to build your partner up and not to tear him/her down. Well, how do you do that?

You build your spouse up by:
- Being a constant Encourager to him/her.
- Finding and highlighting the things they do well.
- Affirming to him/her that they are special and loved dearly.
- Validating the support and effort they put into the relationship.
- Speaking positively and approvingly about them to outsiders.
- Praising him/her regularly for the way they look, dress, work, help, provide, care, cook, look after the children, pay the bills, etc. etc.

We live in a society that’s all but starved of uplifting and encouraging experiences. The news is almost always bad. Work is almost always stressful. The economy is almost always depressed. And, life is almost always rough and bumpy.

Therefore, make it your aim to build up your partner and to bring out the best in him/her. When you do that, you are making a positive difference to your partner’s destiny. Furthermore, you are honouring God’s plan and purpose for your marriage.

If you do discipline yourself to do these things in good times and in difficult times, you will not fail to have an upbeat home and a rock solid marriage. You will even begin to look more attractive to each other, because uplifted people blossom beautifully within and without.

When life hands you a lemon, find a way to turn it into lemonade  – Dale Carnegie

...To be continued next week.

Extracts from KEYS TO EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION IN MARRIAGE... 
Written by Pastor Tony Peters. 

6. Never Humiliate or Demean Your Spouse in Public.

It is never acceptable to humiliate your spouse in public. I don’t care how angry or upset you are, you wait until you get home. You deal with your concerns in private first. 


If the issue is not being resolved after several attempts, I believe you should speak to a minister or marriage counsellor. But you must never get into a fighting bout in a public place.

That’s because it creates an impression that cannot be erased from people’s minds. Even after you’ve resolved the issue that caused the blow-out, people are going to remember how you disgraced yourselves.

Secondly, your spouse may find it extremely difficult to overlook or forgive you for such a provoking incident.

Thirdly, you would be shaming the name of the One you claim to represent. If, for example, you are a practising Christian, your actions would reflect badly on the Christ you claim to represent.

I remember trying so hard, a few years ago, to get a husband to forgive his wife for shaming him in front of his landlord and his mother-in-law. He couldn’t do it. He said the pain was just too much; and after many hours of counselling, he went ahead and separated from his wife.

They had been married for less than three years. And, to show how angry he was, he began to expose his wife’s past mistakes to the authorities concerned and applied for custody of their 18 month old child.

If you are the man in the marriage, your duty is to love your wife. If you are the lady, you are called to honour and respect your husband. Well, to do that, you cannot afford to humiliate each other in private – not to talk of in public. Don’t do it! You will live to regret it.

Conflict is inevitable, but combat is optional  – Max Lucade

...To be continued next week.

Extracts from KEYS TO EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION IN MARRIAGE... 
Written by Pastor Tony Peters. 

4. Try to Resolve Conflicts as Soon as Possible.

Communication is helped when conflicts and challenges in the marriage are resolved quickly. The longer things remain unresolved the more difficult it is to recall the issue accurately and objectively. The reason being that the longer a conflict simmers the more embellished it becomes in your mind.

For instance, have you ever heard someone say, “We had a big argument, but I can’t remember what it was all about.”? That’s because we often forget the details of the conflict, but we rarely forget the emotional pain and the hurt it produced. While the details may be hazy, our minds often intensify the feelings.

So, if it is at all possible, try to resolve hurts and misunderstandings before you go to bed. That is God’s recommendation, not mine.

Don't let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a mighty foothold to the Devil.  (Ephesians 4:26-27.)

When you endeavour to resolve issues before you go to bed:

• You are obeying God’s recommendation.

• You are destroying hazardous roots of bitterness.

• You are increasing your chances of sleeping soundly.

• You are denying Satan of a foothold in your marriage.

• You are quenching the fuel for nightmares and bad dreams.

• You are building yourself a happier, longer lasting marriage.
  

No matter how thin you slice it, there will always be two sides to every conflict  – A Jewish Philosopher


5. Learn to Share Your Feelings Without Attacking your Spouse.

This was one lesson I found really hard to master. Many times when I wanted to share my feelings with my wife, I used a ‘You did this…’ or ‘You shouldn’t have done that…’ phrase.

The problem with this approach is that no matter how nice you try to say it, it still sounds like an attack on your partner. It identifies your spouse as the culprit or as the one who is intentionally causing you pain.

So a better way to communicate your feelings is to use ‘I am feeling…’ or ‘It made me feel...’ statements. For example, say: “I felt bad when you made those comments about me at the party”, not “I hate you for always embarrassing me in public?” 

Say things like: “Whenever you come home early, I feel loved and secure”, not “You behave like you love your office-mates more than you love me”.

The first kinds of statements help your partner identify your feelings and concerns without igniting their defences. The second kind, brings the barriers out and up.

If truth be told, none of us like to be accused of intentionally hurting our loved ones. But if we are faced with an unhappy spouse, we usually want to do whatever we can to turn the situation around.

So, express more of how you are feeling and less of what your spouse has or has not done. If you do, you would be helping your spouse to respond more positively to your feelings; and communication in your home will be less stressful.

Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one. (Colossians 4:6.)

...Be sober-minded in all things, showing yourself to be a pattern of good works; in doctrine showing integrity, reverence, incorruptibility, sound speech that cannot be condemned, that one who is an opponent may be ashamed, having nothing evil to say of you.  (Titus 2:7-8.)

...To be continued next week.

Extracts from KEYS TO EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION IN MARRIAGE... 
Written by Pastor Tony Peters. 

2. Give Your Spouse the Gift of your ‘Attention’.

Another very important thing you can do to improve your communication is to listen intently when your spouse is speaking to you. Resist the urge to butt in or cut your spouse off.

Now I know this is not easy to do, as we are often thinking of what to say next while we are still being spoken to. But you have to do this, because it is the honourable thing to do.

One strategy that may help you is to jot down the points your spouse is making while he/she is talking, so that you can respond to them one by one when it’s your turn to speak.

Know this, my beloved brethren. Let every one be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to get angry.  (James 1:19.)

When you listen attentively to what your spouse is saying:

- You are honouring your spouse with a gift of ‘attention’.

- You are saying that you value your spouse’s opinion and concerns.

- You are telling your spouse that what he/she is saying is important to you.

- You will hear and see things that you would have missed (like your spouse’s body language, subliminal messages, tear drops, heart aches, cry for affirmation, etc. etc.)

One reason why this discipline of paying attention is so crucial, is because the words we speak is believed to account for less than 20% of our intended message. The remaining 80% of the message comes from our voice tone, body language, facial expressions, and so on.

If the percentages are accurate, you could miss close to 80% of your spouse’s intended message when you are not paying attention. That’s why you can’t continue to watch the television or be fiddling with your phone when your spouse is trying to communicate with you. 

Courtesy demands that you switch things off when it’s time to talk.

If you train yourself to pay attention to your spouse consistently, you would not only become better at communicating, but you would even find that you become a better judge of character too. 

In addition, you would be well on your way to cracking the difficult but uplifting puzzle of marriage harmony.

Communication starts when you are paying attention, it ends when you are not
– Tony Peters


...To be continued next week.

Extracts from KEYS TO EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION IN MARRIAGE... 
Written by Pastor Tony Peters. 

There at least ten key things you can start to do intentionally every day to reduce unhealthy communication in your marriage. This week we will start with an important decision every couple must make in order to thrive in their relationship.

1. Decide To Communicate With Care.

We’ve already seen the havoc poor communication can inflict on a relationship. So when I say ‘communicate with care’, I mean think carefully before you say what’s on your mind; because you can’t take back what you’ve said. That’s precisely why the Bible teaches us to be slow to speak.

My dear brothers and sisters, be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Your anger can never make things right in God's sight.  (James 1:19-20. NLT)

There were many times I wished I never said certain things to my wife. I wished I had remembered that she is not like me. I like people to be brutally honest with me. I feel I can take it if it is true, but my wife isn’t like that at all. Each time I have tried to use my yardstick for her; I have done more damage than good. So, communicating with care is not a destination, it’s a journey. I am still learning to communicate with care 27 years into our marriage.

Communicating with care means that you never shout at your spouse; you never resort to harsh or abusive language; you never wilfully dishonour or disrespect; and you never threaten to leave or divorce your partner.

The intelligent person restrains his words, and one who keeps a cool head is a man of under-standing.  (Proverbs 17:27.) Holman

If you commit to communicating with that much care, your spouse will feel honoured and the conflicts you have will reduce drastically. The emotional hurts will also diminish and you’d be on your way to building the rock solid marriage you deserve.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment  – Dorothy Nevill

...To be continued next week.

Written by Pastor Tony Peters. Extracts from KEYS TO EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION IN MARRIAGE.

When communication in a marriage is healthy, the marriage is healthy. Therefore, if you want to maintain or build a strong marriage, you must endeavour to grow in your ability to communicate well.

Let’s examine some foundational concepts that help to increase our ability to communicate better with each other.

1.) Communication Does Not End With Speaking

The circle of good communication covers talking, listening, understanding and acting on what was communicated. Just because you’ve said something doesn’t mean that you effectively communicated with the intended recipient.

Peter Drucker, the famed management consultant and educator, often said, "The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn't said."

A few years ago, while I was doing some shopping in Italy, a seller was passionately trying to tell or sell me something, but I didn’t understand a word of what he was saying. He was speaking a language I didn’t understand. He was talking; he was passionate; but he was not communicating.

The same is true in marriage. Your spouse may hear what you said, but not interpret it the way you meant it. That’s why it is important to check that your spouse is on the same page with you during any serious discussion.

One way to do this is to respectfully ask your spouse to repeat to you (in his or her own words) what they believe you’ve been saying. That way, you will be able to correct any misunderstanding and affirm if your communication was successful or otherwise. If you do this, you would avoid tons of conflict.

2.) Communication Is Not A Science, It’s An Art

The way a person communicates is a composite of upbringing, training, conditioning, personality, circumstance, body language and language comprehension. And, none of these parts are the same for any two people. That’s perhaps the reason why so many of us struggle with understanding others.

Therefore, it’s important to realise that good communication with your spouse will not happen overnight. Even after 29 years of marriage, my wife and I continually work on the way we communicate.

The truth is that I am changing all the time and so is my wife. So we keep learning and adapting and forgiving each other because we are committed to communicating in a healthy way. The Bible says:

For we all make many mistakes, and if any one makes no mistakes in what he says he is a perfect man, able to bridle the whole body also.  (James 3:2.)

The point being that communication is complex and the results can be very unpredictable. Nevertheless, you can get better at communicating with time, even if you never quite hit perfection. I trust that the principles in the rest of these articles will help you do just that.

3.) Constant Miscommunication Leads To Severe Consequences

I cannot count how many times my wife and I have said things to each other only to find out later that a miscommunication had occurred. Usually, these lead to hurtful and painful consequences. Sometimes they lead to tears or frustration or even anger.

The reason for this is simple. Words are powerful. They can build and they can destroy. They can encourage and they can discourage. They can motivate and they can cripple. They have the power to heal or to wound. 


That’s why you cannot afford to be careless with your words. The Bible put this truth like this:

The tongue is a small thing, but what enormous damage it can do. A tiny spark can set a great forest on fire. And the tongue is a flame of fire. It is full of wickedness that can ruin your whole life. It can turn the entire course of your life into a blazing flame of destruction, for it is set on fire by hell itself. People can tame all kinds of animals and birds and reptiles and fish, but no one can tame the tongue. It is an uncontrollable evil, full of deadly poison. Sometimes it praises our Lord and Father, and sometimes it breaks out into curses against those who have been made in the image of God.   (James 3:5-9. NLT.)

Notice how the text describes the effect of the words we speak to each other: Enormous damage; set on fire; blazing flame of destruction; uncontrollable evil; and full of deadly poison.

In short, God is saying that this one area alone is strong enough to blow a hole the size of England in your marriage. Friends, this is serious.

A good person produces good words from a good heart, and an evil person produces evil words from an evil heart. And I tell you this, that you must give an account on judgment day of every idle word you speak. The words you say now reflect your fate then; either you will be justified by them or you will be condemned by them.  (Matthew 12:35-37. NLT.)

...To be continued next week.

Written by Pastor Tony Peters. Extracts from KEYS TO EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION IN MARRIAGE.

Happy couples know that the real relationship begins when the honeymoon is over. They know that unless they intentionally maintain their garden of love, its beauty will fade, wither and die. So they intuitively develop and display certain habits regularly that keep the love in their marriage healthy and strong.

If you and your spouse want to be a happier couple, there are some things you can learn to do. Dr Mark Goulston, who is a psychiatrist, speaker and best selling Author, has come up with ten habits that distinguish happy couples from unhappy ones.

In this article, I share Dr Goulston’s ten habits and my thoughts about them. I am convinced that if you intentionally and deliberately develop and include some of these habits into your relationship, they would produce a more loving atmosphere and a happier married experience.

1.) Happy Couples go to bed at the same time. Now I know that this may not be possible all the time for many couples. But the point is that happy couples like to feel each other’s bodies as often as possible. Remember the beginning of your relationship, when you couldn’t wait to go to bed with each other to make love? Happy couples try hard to keep that habit going. They try to go to bed at the same time, even if one partner has to wake up later to do things while the other partner is asleep.

2.) Happy couples cultivate common interests. As much as it is important to maintain interests of your own, it is important to find things the two of you can do together. Happy couples find out what their partners love doing and put in the effort to like it too. For instance, I like action-packed films, but my wife prefers romantic ones. Each time I want to watch an action film, she joyfully joins in and seems to like them as much as I do. I appreciate her for that, and I reciprocate with the same enthusiasm.

3.) Happy Couples walk hand in hand or side by side. Walking hand in hand is not just for young lovers. Happy couples keep that habit alive all through their marriage life. They do it because they are still very much in love with each other and they don’t mind who knows it or who sees them express it.

4.) Happy Couples make trust and forgiveness their default mode. Many things can go wrong in a marriage that eventually leads to disappointment, hurt or conflict; but the way those things are framed in the minds of the couple is what determines the impact they would have on the marriage. Happy couples learn to deal with their issues in a positive way – by trusting and forgiving each other. Unhappy couples believe the worst of each other and generally manifest what they believe.

5.) Happy Couples focus more on what their partner does right than what he or she does wrong. If you’re looking for things your partner does wrong, you will find a handful. That’s because we are all flawed and broken to some extent. Unhappy couples complain about what they don’t have. They are angry with everyone because their cup is ‘half empty’. Happy couples, on the other hand, pray about the negatives, but focus on the positives. They are excited and grateful that their cup is at least ‘half full’ – and they trust that with time, it would get even fuller!

6.) Happy Couples hug or kiss each other as soon as they met or return from an outing. Tenderly touching and hugging are languages of love. When we are hugged we feel loved. When we are not touched or hugged we feel abandoned or neglected. Happy couples know that tender and affectionate hugs inoculate their partner’s soul against feelings of neglect.

7.) Happy Couples say things like “I love you” or “Have a great day” every morning. Happy couples know that words are powerful; so they use positive words to express their feelings and their desires to each other.

8.) Happy Couples say “Good night” every night, regardless of how they feel. This is their way of saying they still value the relationship irrespective of their pain. It also shows they believe that what they have is bigger than any annoying incident or argument.

9.) Happy Couples do a “weather” check during the day. Happy couples call each other once or twice during the day, just to check up on how their spouse is doing. They know that a simple thing like that says volumes to their spouse. It can even prepare the atmosphere for a more romantic evening.

10.) Happy Couples are proud to be seen with their partner. They are a team and are not ashamed of each other. Their affection keeps them beautiful and youthful. They are not necessarily showing off, but rather just saying that they belong to each other.

Happy couples are grateful for what they have, and often want the same for other couples. If you learn what happy couples do and start to incorporate them into your own relationship, the chances are that you will see an increase in your level of marriage satisfaction. There is no reason why your marriage can’t be happier and why you can’t join the breed of happy couples in a society riddled with marriage failure.

By Tony Peters

 

In Matthew 12:36-37, Jesus warns, “But I say to you that for every idle word men may speak, they will give account of it in the day of judgment. For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.”

Words are powerful. That’s why the Bible is full of directives concerning the way we communicate or use words. Many of us tend to think that, because we use words casually, the things we say are of little consequence. 

But according to the Bible, our words (the significant ones and the ones we consider unimportant) are all recorded in heaven. That means we are responsible for them. It means that we will be asked to account for them. 

We would be asked to explain why we had to use words that discourage, words that defile, words that defame, or words that wound. There would be no need to record our words if they were not important.

Consider Proverbs 18:21, which says, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit.”
 
We all know the pain of harsh words spoken to us. Careless, insensitive speech cause some of our deepest wounds, and many people live in families where words are used as weapons. Sarcasm, criticism, verbal abuse, shame, and anger—these kinds of words bring death. They can be part of a negative, relationship-killing arsenal. 

The enemy loves nothing more than to turn a house into a verbal war zone. When these environments are created, a husband and wife will suffer. So will their children. Negative communication can literally destroy their testimony and their home.

James 3:4 compares the tongue to a small rudder that steers a mighty ship. Though a rudder seems insignificant compared to the rest of the ship, everything depends on it for the ship to get where it is going.
 
However, as easily as words can kill, they can also bring life. With our mouths we can bless. We can encourage. We can heal. We can communicate love and affection. If we learn to submit our tongues to God, He will help us. He will tame our speech, so that it always edifies and never crushes.
 
Positive communication is powerful. 
The first step towards building an atmosphere of healthy words is realizing that every single word you speak has incredible power. Once you become conscious of this truth every waking moment, you will watch what you say more carefully.
 
Question! Will your words bring life or cause death? Will they build up or tear down? Moment by moment, that choice is yours.
 
Submit your speech to the Lord. 
Dedicate your mouth to being a vessel for his healing, hope, and encouragement. The mouth that produces a successful, healthy marriage and family is one that is constantly submitted to the Lord. Do it daily. Do it hourly if you must. But do it until your get results.

Idle words, negative words, abusive words and demeaning words are sins for which Jesus Christ died. If you are a child of God, each time you use these types of words, you are 'nailing' Christ to the cross again - so to speak. You are disgracing him and misrepresenting him too.

Your tongue will determine the direction of your life. The words you speak to your partner or your children will impact your relationships on a large scale. Every area of family life requires healthy communication for success.

So, never forget how serious and weighty your words are; and work at speaking positive, uplifting and godly words no matter what's happening around you.  

Ask God to help you and your family learn to speak to each other with kind and uplifting words. Ask Him to transform your language into a praising, healing, loving, fountain of life.

For more on words, relationship and communication click on the books below:

Where there is no counsel, the people fall; but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety. (Proverbs 11:14.)

The other day I came across an article by Jeannie C. Iseman – who is a Yoga instructor at Wheaton College, Illinois. I want to share a part of her story in this blog that shows how important it is get counsel when things are not going well in your marriage relationship.

She wrote: “We seemed like your typical happy couple. We were successful in our jobs, active in our community, and held leadership positions at our church. But behind closed doors, we were emotionally detached and unhappy.

He said he needed space. I said I was tired of fighting for us. Then he said he didn’t love me. So I asked him to move out. I never thought it would come to this, but I was scared, angry, and exhausted.

Instead of seeking help, I chose to tirelessly “manage” my crisis and keep it hidden from those I knew. How was I to explain this to my family, my church, myself? It felt easier to micro-manage the situation than to deal with the shame of failure. So I controlled the crisis through lies and self-deception, perpetuating the illusion of an intact marriage to others and to myself. But in just one morning, I lost control of the life I was trying to manage.

The Shock

While sitting in my office drinking my morning coffee, I received an anonymous email at work explaining that my husband had left me for more than just a lack of love—he had left me for another love. The email detailed how, for years, my marriage had been full of deception and infidelity.

I immediately got on the phone to ask him if this was true. Complete silence was his response, as if he couldn’t come to terms with the truth himself. I’d heard enough, so I hung up the phone. While I don’t remember much of that morning, I recall being walked out of the office by my assistant and being held by her as she flagged a cab for me.

As I sat weeping with her, for the first time, I was exposed. She knew everything, and there was no hiding from the truth anymore. Strangely, it felt good. Having to be cared for in a time of crisis and being truly known by others was far from the life of control I’d aimed for.

Letting Go, Losing Control

As I began to let go of this idol of control, the Lord came near, and he destroyed any need for space between his gaze and mine. I started attending a new church and connected with women weekly for healing prayer.

I began seeing a therapist, who helped me identify strongholds of sin in my life. I could now own my share of responsibility in the severing of our marriage. I had a community that felt my pain, knew my whole story, and still loved me.

Journeying Toward Wholeness

Slowly, the veil of shame was lifting, and I was able to see more clearly. I came to realize that while the Lord loves marriage, he desired wholeness in my life whether I was married or divorced. My marriage had become an idol to me—but I realized I had to allow for God to work through my life and be open to whatever wholeness might look like.

While I continued to have hope that my own marriage could be restored, I still had fresh wounds in need of healing and I didn’t know how or what that restoration would look like. Would restoration mean a healed marriage? Or might it mean God’s healing in my own life as a divorced and single woman? During that time, I got to know other families and couples who walked alongside me in my pain.

That fall, I found out my husband had begun attending my church. I asked him for space to heal, so we attended different services. But one Sunday, he found me between services and explained that he was coming to know the Lord in a new and profound way. While I kept an emotional distance, I also felt a sense of compassion for him that I hadn’t felt in a long time.

God Begins To Restore

By that winter, we began to speak of marital reconciliation and discussed the possibility of ending our seven-month separation. Incredibly, over time, our marriage was saved. We began to make decisions in partnership with each other, built in accountability structures, and met with mentors and counsellors for healing prayer.

Although our marital wounds were still fresh and painful, yet an encounter with Jesus instilled a new hope in us and our lives were forever changed. That next spring, we renewed our marriage vows.

Our marital covenant with each other had been broken by sin, separation, and apathy, so it was important to us to start afresh with a symbolic renewal of our promises. We knew we were also returning from a season of being distant from God, so we also renewed our baptismal vows in front of our church community as a symbolic cleansing from sin and hopeful return to the Father.

It’s been nearly six years since our fresh start. We now have two daughters. We also embrace the verse in Joel 2:25: I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten.”

Conclusion

I felt led to share this story because I know that some of you reading this blog are where Jeannie was before her separation from her husband. But you don’t have to carry the burden alone. God put people around you to help you in your journey. If you are having a rough time in any of your primary relationships, seek help. Find someone who can speak the wisdom of God into your life. Jeannie’s story is proof that God can restore any relationship if we are open and humble enough to get help.

God Word says, “Where there is no counsel, His people fall; but in the multitude of counsellors His people are safe.” I hope you will believe what God says, and get help.

If you share your burdens with each other, you will be obeying the law of Christ. (Galatians 6:2.)

The more I speak to couples about the challenges of married life, the more I am convinced that no marriage is unredeemable if couples are willing to drop the pride and put on a cloak of humility.

One of the points I often try to impress upon the people I speak with, is a lesson I learnt earlier in my marriage. 

The lesson is simply that: It is never too late to choose a new path; to make your marriage work better; or to turn a new page and start over.

No matter how dysfunctional your marriage may seem at the moment; how distant you feel from your spouse; or how much pain you've endured, you can 
decide today to change course. You can opt for a new beginning. You can start to 
operate at a higher level of love and affection. 

And that’s especially true, if you’ve received God’s forgiveness in your life and know Him as your Lord and Master. I say that because a Believer is not a failure. Christians are not helpless. We have the backing of heaven and the power of the Holy Spirit.

The same God who supernaturally brought you two together and joined you in the Covenant of marriage wants to help you turn your marriage into a love affair. And, nothing is impossible with Him. You must believe that.

The first thing to do though is recognize that the challenges you have are the result of your fallen nature - you and your spouse. Every marriage has them. So the problem with your relationship is not the challenges you face. It’s the way you see them. It’s the way you frame them in your mind. It’s the way you respond to them or handle them.

Jimmy Evans, in one of his ‘Marriage Builder’ articles wrote, “The difference between a failing marriage and a successful marriage is the perspective toward it held by the husband and wife. Are they seeing the smaller story or the larger story?


The larger story is that God has a magnificent plan for your marriage; a story much greater than you could possibly imagine. He wants to do things in and through your relationship, things that are eternal and lasting and supernatural. He has plans for you greater than you could hope to comprehend.

If your marriage is struggling, it is because you have lost sight of that reality. When I see a marriage in trouble, I see two people who are completely caught up in the tiny story of their own lives. They are so focused on their own pain, their own needs, and their own selfish desires that it's impossible for them to see God's bigger picture.

Living in the tiny story means getting engrossed in petty things like bills and cars and houses—and pouting when those things don't go your way. No couple will ever find true happiness and fulfilment with that kind of small-story focus.” 

How true! Well, God has a bigger picture for your marriage. In that picture, you are the perfect match for your spouse and your spouse is the perfect match for you. In that picture, God brought you together to mould the two of you into one flesh. In that picture, you both complete each other. 

In that picture, you co-create the next generation. You create a beautiful garden for your children to grow up in. You show them how beautiful their marriages can be. And, you both live a fulfilling life until death do you part.

That’s why in Jeremiah’s prophetic book, God declared, “I know the thoughts that I think toward you: thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”

My question to you is: Which picture will you focus on today? The smaller or the larger? The darker picture or the lighter one? The temporary picture or the eternal picture? I think you know the answer. Now just do it and watch things change for the best.

By Tony Peters
Author of ‘How to Build a Rock Solid Marriage’

Just as people get married for unhealthy reasons, there are healthy reasons to get married too. Ask yourself whether these are some of your main reasons for wanting to get married. If they are, your motives are on the right track. If they are not, I want you to make the needed adjustment in your mind, until you can honestly say that the reasons below are your core reasons for getting married too.

1.  You are convinced it’s God’s will to get married soon
As a child of God, you are called to find out what His will is for your life and do it. Anything you do outside of God’s will is vanity and waste. So you must be persuaded that the marriage you are embarking upon is God’s perfect will for your life. If you are, you have a great reason to get married.

2.  You’ve found the person you can love for the rest of your life
Marriage is a marathon, not a 100 metre sprint. In addition, divorce is not a pretty option for a serious child of God. So you must be committed for the long haul. You must believe that you have found your soul-mate and that no challenge thrown at you can dampen the love that God has given you for your partner. If this is what you believe, you have another good reason to walk down the aisle with your spouse.

3.  You are ready to start (and take good care) of a family
Many couples turn to marriage because they believe that they are in love. But love alone does not make for a good marriage. Needs have to be met; responsibilities need to be shared; and progress needs to be made. So, if you don’t have a stable job to take care of the family needs (especially if you are a man); or you are ill-equipped to take care of the home (especially if you are a woman), your marriage can turn out to be a bed of thorns instead of a garden of roses. But if these issues are sorted in your heart, you have a fine reason to marry.

4.  You are ready to meet your partner’s needs in a sacrificial way 
We generally get married to meet a handful of our deepest felt needs: Needs for love, affection, sex, security, companionship, affirmation, etc. The number one reason for marital conflict is often a feeling of disappointment that those deep seated needs are not being met. The solution therefore should be obvious: Discover your partner’s deepest needs and commit yourself to meeting them in your marriage. Do that and you are top marriage material.

5.  You are willing to make adjustments for the sake of your spouse
Marriage works best when there is a willingness to change. Rigid and inflexible people don’t make good spouses. Two totally different people can only become one as they complement, adapt and adjust to each other. If you are ready to make some positive adjustments to accommodate your spouse’s uniqueness, you are ready to get married. If not, then you are not ready for marriage! Simple!

6.  You are prepared to stretch and mature as a person
Marriage is like a top University; it will stretch and test you. Your relationship with your spouse would challenge your beliefs, try your patience, verify your commitment and test your love to the limit. But that’s all part of the beauty of a great marriage. If you don’t want to be tested, don’t go to a ‘top University’. If you are ready to be stretched, you are a candidate for marriage.

7.  The Kingdom of God will benefit from your marriage
I always feel sad when very committed members of the local church lose their passion for God and for His Kingdom because they got married. The Bible teaches us that ‘two are better than one’. And, Solomon tells us why. He says, “…their labour would be more satisfying.” (Ecclesiastes 4:9.) Or, you could say that their combined effort should produce much more fruit than their individual effort. In other words, if you see your marriage as a tool to do more for God and not less, you have the right mindset to get married.

8.  You are spiritually, emotionally and physically whole
Marriage is tough enough without having to cope with an insecure or dysfunctional spouse. Thus, a good time to tie the knot is when you’ve allowed God to straighten you out: when you’ve been through the fire and through the grinder; when you’ve mellowed because you’ve been humbled under the mighty hand of God; and when you’ve surrendered everything to Him. If that sounds like your life history, you are a candidate for marriage.

If you can confidently say ‘yes’ to five or six of the reasons I have highlighted above, you are well on your way to becoming a splendid partner to a blessed child of God. If you can’t do so at the moment, I want to encourage you to make each point a prayer project. Take the issue to God daily (for a few weeks or months) until you sense that the change has taken place on the inside of you.

Finally, go over the healthy reasons again and promise yourself to always keep them in your heart and in your thoughts. People who have good reasons for doing whatever they do, often stick with it until it is done. People who don’t, don’t!

By Tony Peters
Extracts from Maximising Your Season of Singleness

I borrowed and adapted this insightful article from the February edition of Charisma Magazine, because I felt some of our readers out there might benefit immensely from it. So here it goes:

“I have several single female friends who would very much like to find the right guy. Some tell me the pickings are slim at their church, so they have ventured into the world of online dating. 

Others have thrown up their hands in despair, wondering if there are any decent Christian guys left anywhere. They’ve begun to wonder if they should lower their standards in order to find a mate. 

My advice: Don't settle for less than God's best. 

Too many Christian women today have ended up with an Ishmael because impatience pushed them into an unhappy marriage. Please take my fatherly advice: You are much better off being single than with the wrong guy!”

Here are the top 10 men you should avoid when looking for a husband:

1. The Unbeliever. Please write 2 Corinthians 6:14 on a Post-it note and tack it on your computer at work. It says, “Do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness?”. This is not an outdated religious rule. It is the Word of God for you today.

Don’t allow a man’s charm, looks or financial success (or his willingness to go to church with you) push you to compromise what you know is right. “Missionary dating” is never a wise strategy. If the guy is not a born-again Christian, scratch him off your list. He’s not right for you. I’ve yet to meet a Christian woman who didn’t regret marrying an unbeliever.

2. The Liar. If you discover that the man you are dating has lied to you about his past or that he’s always covering his tracks to hide his secrets from you, run for the nearest exit. Marriage must be built on a foundation of trust. If he can’t be truthful, break up now before he bamboozles you with an even bigger deception.

3. The Playboy. I wish I could say that if you meet a nice guy at church, you can assume he’s living in sexual purity. But that’s not the case today. I’ve heard horror stories about single guys who serve on the worship team on Sunday but act like Casanovas during the week. If you marry a guy who was sleeping around before your wedding, you can be sure he will be sleeping around after your wedding.

4. The Deadbeat. There are many solid Christian men who experienced marital failure years ago. Since their divorce, they have experienced the Holy Spirit’s restoration, and now they want to remarry. Second marriages can be very happy. But if you find out that the man you are dating hasn’t been caring for his children from a previous marriage, you have just exposed a fatal flaw. Any man who will not pay for his past mistakes or support children from a previous marriage is not going to treat you responsibly.

5. The Addict. Churchgoing men who have addictions to alcohol or drugs have learned to hide their problems—but you don’t want to wait until your honeymoon to find out that he’s a boozer. Never marry a man who refuses to get help for his addiction. Insist that he get professional help and walk away. And don’t get into a codependent relationship in which he claims he needs you to stay sober. You can’t fix him.

6. The Bum. I have a female friend who realized after she married her boyfriend that he had no plans to find steady work. He had devised a great strategy: He stayed home all day and played video games while his professional wife worked and paid all the bills. The apostle Paul told the Thessalonians, “If anyone is not willing to work, then he is not to eat, either” (2 Thess. 3:10). The same rule applies here: If a man is not willing to work, he doesn’t deserve to marry you.

7. The Narcissist. I sincerely hope you can find a guy who is handsome. But be careful: If your boyfriend spends six hours a day at the gym and regularly posts close-ups of his biceps on Facebook, you have a problem. Do not fall for a self-absorbed guy. He might be cute, but a man who is infatuated with his appearance and his own needs will never be able to love you sacrificially, like Christ loves the church (Eph. 5:25). The man who is always looking at himself in the mirror will never notice you.

8. The Abuser. Men with abusive tendencies can’t control their anger when it boils over. If the guy you are dating has a tendency to fly off the handle, either at you or others, don’t be tempted to rationalize his behavior. He has a problem, and if you marry him you will have to navigate his minefield every day to avoid triggering another outburst. Angry men hurt women—verbally and sometimes physically. Find a man who is gentle.

9. The Man-child. Call me old-fashioned, but I’m suspicious of a guy who still lives with his parents at age 35. If his mother is still doing his cooking, cleaning and ironing at that age, you can be sure he’s stuck in an emotional time warp. You are asking for trouble if you think you can be a wife to a guy who hasn’t grown up. Back away and, as a friend, encourage him to find a mentor who can help him mature.

10. The Control freak. Some Christian guys today believe marriage is about male superiority. They may quote Scripture and sound super-spiritual, but behind the façade of husbandly authority is deep insecurity and pride that can morph into spiritual abuse. First Peter 3:7 commands husbands to treat their wives as equals. If the man you are dating talks down to you, makes demeaning comments about women or seems to squelch your spiritual gifts, back away now. He is on a power trip. Women who marry religious control freaks often end up in a nightmare of depression.

If you are a woman of God, don’t sell your spiritual birthright by marrying a guy who doesn’t deserve you. Your smartest decision in life is to wait for a man who is sold out to Jesus.

Adapted from J. Lee Grady’s Article in Charisma Magazine.
J. Lee Grady is the former editor of Charisma and the director of the Mordecai Project. He is the author of 10 Lies Men Believe and other books.

A friend of mine from Africa sent me this list of 50 simple things couples can do regularly to strengthen their marriage relationship and keep the passion of their romance high.

As I read through the list, I realised that my wife and I have instinctively practiced most things on the list over the years. Nevertheless, I was encouraged to brush up on some of the things I had forgotten about or stopped doing for a while.

I hope it does the same thing for you too. Enjoy it!

Don’t forget to...

  1. Start each day with a kiss (Brush your teeth first).
  2. Wear your wedding ring at all times.
  3. Date once a week.
  4. Hold hands.
  5. Be polite.
  6. Be gentle.
  7. Give gifts.
  8. Smile often.
  9. Touch.
10. Talk about dreams.
11. Select a song that can be "our song".
12. Give back rubs.
13. Laugh together.
14. Send a card for no reason.
15. Do what the other person wants before he or she asks.
16. Listen.
17. Encourage.
18. Do it his or her way.
19. Know his or her needs.
20. Fix the other person's breakfast.
21. Compliment twice a day.
22. Call during the day just to say, “I love you”.
23. Slow down.
24. Accept differences. 
25. Cuddle.
26. Ask for each other's opinion.
27. Show respect.
28. Welcome the other person home.
29. Look your best.
30. Wink at each other just for the fun of it
31. Celebrate birthdays in a big way.
32. Apologise.
33. Forgive & Forget.
34. Set up a romantic getaway.
35. Ask, "What can I do to make you happier?".
36. Be positive.
37. Be kind.
38. Be vulnerable.
39. Respond quickly to the other person's request.
40. Talk about your love.
41. Reminisce about your favourite times together.
42. Treat each other's friends and relatives with courtesy.
43. Send flowers or chocolate every Valentine's Day and Anniversary.
44. Admit when wrong.
45. Be sensitive to each other's sexual desires.
46. Pray for each other daily.
47. Watch sunsets together.
48. Say "I love you" frequently.
49. End the day with a long hug.
50. Seek outside help or support when needed.

Have fun! And keep growing in your love for each other.

Tony Peters
Author of 
20 Amazing Facts About Sex - 
The Media Would Not Share With You...