Adjusting to your unique Spouse... continued
In talking to couples, I am never surprised when I find out that one of the main sources of conflict in the relationship has to do with the different ways the couple each respond to life issues or the way they have learnt to process things.
Thus, if the couple see something in their marriage as a problem to be solved and it doesn’t get solved, they believe that they have a problem that can’t be solved. If, on the other hand, they view that same issue as a stepping stone to greater intimacy and refuse to give up until they achieve that intimacy, they generally do.
Lessons from John and Valerie
John grew up in a very strict home. His father was a decorated captain in the British Army and often raved about the lack of discipline and order amongst young people. So he ran his home like a military boot camp.
John met Valerie in a friend’s party and was attracted to her carefree and tactile personality. Not only was she the proverbial ‘life of the party’, but she made him feel special and masculine by flirting with him all through the evening.
Five years into their marriage, and after having two children together, John can’t stand Valerie. Why? Because she talks too much, has too many friends and is not as disciplined with the house chores and the children as he wants her to be.
What is John's real problem? He has forgotten why he was so attracted to her in the first place. He has not cared to factor her upbringing or her personality into his expectations. And, he is unfairly comparing his upbringing with that of his children who are growing up under different circumstances and in a totally different era.
John believes his strict upbringing is superior to Valerie’s and should be the way his children are brought up. In short, he wants her to do things his way. He wants to make her into his image and likeness.
Let me say it again, this strategy never works – except you have an insecure spouse who doesn’t mind being trampled over. And even then, one day your spouse would explode if that strategy is not discarded soon.
If truth be told, most people don’t do well trying to live as somebody else.
Why God made us all Unique
Men and women are very different, but in a complimentary way. The way a man and a woman interlock sexually is a vivid image of how they are designed to interconnect psychologically, emotionally and even spiritually.
These differences should not be barriers to a fulfilling relationship, but incentives to explore and grow with your partner more fully. By that I mean, your partner’s differences are there to make him/her continuously intriguing and fascinating to you – so you never get bored with each other.
The differences between you are there…
Once you start to see your differences in this light, you will never again see your differences as a negative thing. Instead, you would see your differences as life’s way of stretching, maturing and polishing you in certain areas of your life.
You’ll also view your differences as God’s way of helping you to learn how to enjoy life outside of your comfort zone. You’ll see your differences as God’s way of purging you of pride and selfishness, and helping you to develop a sacrificial attitude – as you learn to embrace and love a very different personality from yours.
“Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.” (Philippians 2:3.)
For example, in most relationships, you would find that couples have traits that are generally opposite in nature. The man may be fun-loving and out-going, while his wife may be very reserved. The woman may be well-organized and disciplined while her husband may be untidy, sloppy or carefree.
The man may be a big spender, while his wife is big on saving her money. My point is, neither spending nor saving is wrong, but for this relationship to blossom in the area of their finances like it should, the couple are going to have to learn to adapt a philosophy of finances that is somewhere in the middle.
That’s going to take understanding, humility, maturity, sacrifice and even compromise on occasions. But, it is precisely this kind of dilemma in our marriages that God uses to stretch and transforms us, if we follow His instructions.
God’s Instructions
Our heavenly Father loves us so much that He bent over backwards to put instructions into our hands. And, His instructions are pretty simple. But you must be ready to embrace them and do them.
It’s doing what God instructs couples to do that produces the results. So here are a few of those simple instructions. Read them and ask yourself whether you are prepared to obey them in your marriage.
“Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.” (Philippians 2:3.)
“Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honour giving preference to one another…” (Romans 12:10.)
“…Yes, all of you be submissive to one another, and be clothed with humility, because "God resists the proud, But gives grace to the humble.” (1 Peter 5:5b.)
“But if you are bitterly jealous and there is selfish ambition in your hearts, don't brag about being wise. That is the worst kind of lie. For jealousy and selfishness are not God's kind of wisdom. Such things are earthly, unspiritual, and motivated by the Devil. For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and every kind of evil. But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and good deeds. It shows no partiality and is always sincere.” (James 3:14-17.) NLT.
Notice the words underlined above. Do they represent the general attitude in your home? Do you esteem your spouse better than yourself in some areas? Do you prefer to go with your spouse’s ideas in those areas? Do you submit to some of your spouse’s suggestions, or do all the suggestions have to come from you? Are you willing to yield to your spouse, or are you always trying to change him/her?
Do yourself and your spouse a big favour and understand:
- That your spouse has as much right as you to be unique and different.
- That the differences between you are not obstacles, but stepping stones to a richer marriage life.
- That your differences do not have to divide and frustrate you, if you embrace the purpose for them.
- That God uses the differences between you and your spouse to stretch and mature you for a higher assignment.
Allowing your spouse to be the unique person God has created him/her to be is a sure sign of your maturity in that area. But even more impressive, is your ability to celebrate your spouse’s uniqueness in private and in public. If you will do this from your heart, you will cut years of conflict and frustration from your marriage life. And your spouse would, more than likely, reciprocate the affirming gesture.
By Tony Peters
from 'How to build a Rock Solid Marriage'
In talking to couples, I am never surprised when I find out that one of the main sources of conflict in the relationship has to do with the different ways the couple each respond to life issues or the way they have learnt to process things.
Thus, if the couple see something in their marriage as a problem to be solved and it doesn’t get solved, they believe that they have a problem that can’t be solved. If, on the other hand, they view that same issue as a stepping stone to greater intimacy and refuse to give up until they achieve that intimacy, they generally do.
Lessons from John and Valerie
John grew up in a very strict home. His father was a decorated captain in the British Army and often raved about the lack of discipline and order amongst young people. So he ran his home like a military boot camp.
John met Valerie in a friend’s party and was attracted to her carefree and tactile personality. Not only was she the proverbial ‘life of the party’, but she made him feel special and masculine by flirting with him all through the evening.
Five years into their marriage, and after having two children together, John can’t stand Valerie. Why? Because she talks too much, has too many friends and is not as disciplined with the house chores and the children as he wants her to be.
What is John's real problem? He has forgotten why he was so attracted to her in the first place. He has not cared to factor her upbringing or her personality into his expectations. And, he is unfairly comparing his upbringing with that of his children who are growing up under different circumstances and in a totally different era.
John believes his strict upbringing is superior to Valerie’s and should be the way his children are brought up. In short, he wants her to do things his way. He wants to make her into his image and likeness.
Let me say it again, this strategy never works – except you have an insecure spouse who doesn’t mind being trampled over. And even then, one day your spouse would explode if that strategy is not discarded soon.
If truth be told, most people don’t do well trying to live as somebody else.
Why God made us all Unique
Men and women are very different, but in a complimentary way. The way a man and a woman interlock sexually is a vivid image of how they are designed to interconnect psychologically, emotionally and even spiritually.
These differences should not be barriers to a fulfilling relationship, but incentives to explore and grow with your partner more fully. By that I mean, your partner’s differences are there to make him/her continuously intriguing and fascinating to you – so you never get bored with each other.
The differences between you are there…
- To keep you fascinated and interested in each other.
- To keep you learning and discovering more about each other.
- To help you develop a selfless and sacrificial attitude towards each other.
- To help you explore and appreciate each other’s unique qualities and virtues.
- To help you grow and mature as you learn to understand and adjust to each other.
Once you start to see your differences in this light, you will never again see your differences as a negative thing. Instead, you would see your differences as life’s way of stretching, maturing and polishing you in certain areas of your life.
You’ll also view your differences as God’s way of helping you to learn how to enjoy life outside of your comfort zone. You’ll see your differences as God’s way of purging you of pride and selfishness, and helping you to develop a sacrificial attitude – as you learn to embrace and love a very different personality from yours.
“Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.” (Philippians 2:3.)
For example, in most relationships, you would find that couples have traits that are generally opposite in nature. The man may be fun-loving and out-going, while his wife may be very reserved. The woman may be well-organized and disciplined while her husband may be untidy, sloppy or carefree.
The man may be a big spender, while his wife is big on saving her money. My point is, neither spending nor saving is wrong, but for this relationship to blossom in the area of their finances like it should, the couple are going to have to learn to adapt a philosophy of finances that is somewhere in the middle.
That’s going to take understanding, humility, maturity, sacrifice and even compromise on occasions. But, it is precisely this kind of dilemma in our marriages that God uses to stretch and transforms us, if we follow His instructions.
God’s Instructions
Our heavenly Father loves us so much that He bent over backwards to put instructions into our hands. And, His instructions are pretty simple. But you must be ready to embrace them and do them.
It’s doing what God instructs couples to do that produces the results. So here are a few of those simple instructions. Read them and ask yourself whether you are prepared to obey them in your marriage.
“Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.” (Philippians 2:3.)
“Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honour giving preference to one another…” (Romans 12:10.)
“…Yes, all of you be submissive to one another, and be clothed with humility, because "God resists the proud, But gives grace to the humble.” (1 Peter 5:5b.)
“But if you are bitterly jealous and there is selfish ambition in your hearts, don't brag about being wise. That is the worst kind of lie. For jealousy and selfishness are not God's kind of wisdom. Such things are earthly, unspiritual, and motivated by the Devil. For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and every kind of evil. But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and good deeds. It shows no partiality and is always sincere.” (James 3:14-17.) NLT.
Notice the words underlined above. Do they represent the general attitude in your home? Do you esteem your spouse better than yourself in some areas? Do you prefer to go with your spouse’s ideas in those areas? Do you submit to some of your spouse’s suggestions, or do all the suggestions have to come from you? Are you willing to yield to your spouse, or are you always trying to change him/her?
Do yourself and your spouse a big favour and understand:
- That your spouse has as much right as you to be unique and different.
- That the differences between you are not obstacles, but stepping stones to a richer marriage life.
- That your differences do not have to divide and frustrate you, if you embrace the purpose for them.
- That God uses the differences between you and your spouse to stretch and mature you for a higher assignment.
Allowing your spouse to be the unique person God has created him/her to be is a sure sign of your maturity in that area. But even more impressive, is your ability to celebrate your spouse’s uniqueness in private and in public. If you will do this from your heart, you will cut years of conflict and frustration from your marriage life. And your spouse would, more than likely, reciprocate the affirming gesture.
By Tony Peters
from 'How to build a Rock Solid Marriage'
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